Woman in Chains

I've been trying to write something for a while now, but, it didn’t really want to come out. I want to write about the life of a woman, because I am a woman supposedly, but the words are not as easy as usual. Because I'm a woman who's been very hurt and by now, I could not properly heal that part of me that hurts so much.

Because it has always been judged for its choices and the right to its own life, life in ones own hands, and this cycle does not seem to become easier. I believe that many women will find themselves in these words, because there is always someone who thinks a woman should be controlled, that it is quite natural to manipulate a woman, a girl, a mother... Because women do manipulate, supposedly, and they must have deserved it. Yes, women sometimes very well do manipulate with their sexuality, sexypeall, beauty and sexual energy. And they manipulate because they have learned it, if they were any different, they would be martyrs, or they would be tortured, because this was the only way for quite some time for a woman to be powerful. I myself was tortured, and others always wanted to make decisions about my life. And even when I was such a manipulative woman, I didn't avoid torture, because the last word over my life and my child's life was given by someone else. This also affected all of my future choices , that is I did it, but under the influence of the beliefs that I carried from there. One time I was told that I was pushed into a dimension where there was little to no free will, and I was not inclined to believe in that information completely, but... Ever since I was a child I had to fight a lot for what I wanted, and I have manifested it but with and through loads of difficulties. As for the schools I went to, I had to fight my family primarily because the whole wider family thought they had a right to make decisions for me. Because I'm a woman, I don't know how to decide for myself, and besides, women don't need to go to schools. I was enrolled in the faculty by my mother, who decided to enroll me in something that she thought would be a good job for a girl. This may sound strange, considering what I'm doing now, but actually, nobody has ever asked me what it is that I want, what I'm interested in, what makes me tick. And I agreed to that sad choice only to be able to leave the environment that never supported me. How I really feel about it and what my thoughts were, I never expressed because even if I would, I would be punished for it. Indeed, nobody around me was ever interested in the fact that a girl is dreaming, what about, and she was always reading too much and was too strange for their taste. (Now they come to me for sessions, by the way). My mother didn't like me being a girl from the very moment I was born, because a woman was destined to suffer in life, it would have be better if I was a boy. Too many times in life I've heard a sentence ' You're smart as a man ' or ' You're too smart for a girl, too smart for your own good, it would have been better if you were a boy '. And when the boy finally came to our family, he was as broken from the outside, as much as I was on the inside. Another disappointment for my mother, which never lessened her expectations from me, on the contrary, now she just expected me to live the life for someone else, and instead of someone else. And to be in the role of the maid, because that's what she was, how she felt in relation to us... The girl is always a subordinate to brother, to a male heir in the patriarchal culture, she does not continue the bloodline, she does not wear their last name, she leaves the house, she serves others, she is unworthy, if all this is not achieved, or if it is lost. And if that happens, she is unsuccessful and unaccomplished, marginalized, less valuable. And if she still does not want to ' listen ', follow others ' instructions and choices, she is disobedient and self-sufficient and deserves to suffer, and loses the mercy of the family and some fictional protection. Or she has to become lying, seductive, manipulative to survive (and some of us then tend to like it a bit too). Women are doing all this today too, to save their family, a position, a status symbol, a man, financial security, and whatever the reason you can come up with. Women, even in contact with other women, nowadays too rarely rely on open communication and agreement, they rather use tricks, competition, deceat, witchcraft, magic, or whatever other games they can do in order to be what they want to be, or at least to keep the status quo; to keep an image of themselves, to feel safe and protected, accepted (I don't say men don't do it, this is just not the topic now). Or they find a protector, one way or another--grandfather, father, husband, lover-even when they are sincere in emotion with that person, they are simply forced, we have been taught this, a woman is worthless without a man. And so, in all these callums, love is rarely in the first place, often, because they rarely made choices for themselves, and even when they did, somehow it’s always a woman that gets hurt (these are the influences of my personal history so it should be read with this in mind). Because there is always another woman, who has a more powerful protector, that is bothered by this, who wants her place, which is envious, or simply unhappy in her own choices and positions, so she just has to interfere. Or simply someone is bothered by a woman who feels good in her own skin and with her own intuition, with her own powers, and if he can, he will try his power to prove that he is more powerful. Because a powerful woman should be conquered, that’s what she is good for, to be shown where her place is. For this time, these times and these dimensions we have lived in, and we still live in, do not support feminine energy. Not that we did not know how to support and develop it, there are women who knew it, but still, the woman is not allowed to stick out, if she had, with her gifts or positions (Queen and Empresses) she had to do something to reduce her glow, her shine or to hide behind someone or somewhere. And there’s nothing wrong with this when we talk about the balance of male and female energy, but this is not a topic now, and that balance does not exist anyways. All of my past lives I observed were female's lives. And that was rarely happy, satisfied and loved woman. And when she was, it was all very short-lived and the subsequent periods of torture would suppress all of this. The last life to came out (if the information is correct, because it did not come through me) was the life of a woman with great energy powers, who enjoyed what she had, knew how to use it and done just about anything and everything, only because she could. She was always desired, but never loved. And who in the end was not happy herself because she remained in the guilt and shame for all those choices, and something that happened, and she was hated. How this story actually ended I don't know, because my therapist did not direct the work to forgiveness and redemption from guilt, but to denial of powers, which I did not even know I had (reasons are unknown to me and were not healing), and the removal of the being that was pinned along down the whole spine, attached to all the will centers, and was pushing me again In the dimension of other people's choices. This was the way I punished myself, because I judged and condemned myself the most (I guess, I'm not dealing with the manipulations that the entities are prone to and the ways they can lead you in the wrong direction). None of the women I've ever met in my life have had their free choice, and those who have, payed it dearly. With loneliness, mostly, or with some big loss. My ancestors didn't choose their partners by themselves, all marriages were arranged, and if they did have love, it was secretly. And when times changed, there was not enough space for maneuvering because always the whole family decided about everything, literally everything in the life of a female child, she had no voice, unless she became completely intolerable. The lives of women who I was in my past lives, were not like that, I never agreed with such a fate, I was self-sufficient, one way or another, and I stood out, and that's why I was tortured. And now I'm sticking out too, but I am still afraid to show myself fully. And when I do, some absolutely unknown people come out who think they have the right to tell me who I am, how I should behave and send me some of their own darkness to keep me quiet. Even in that life, where I was supposedly self-centered and unscrupulous, because I wanted to be who I am, and yet again this was exactly who I was not, an alleged guide appeared that said I was stubborn and self-sufficient, and I don’t listen to them, and that I had no connection with the guides, and I probably must find them somehow differently than In my own heart. There was something wrong with that picture... (By the way, I don't believe in this story about how you love power once, and chose a path of service to it and self, and then you don’t, if you choose it once, you always tend to prefer power more than anything else, but what do I know about soul choices... I have seen from literature and in my cases that this kind of energy, once it gets to higher planes either gets recycled, or those souls go into isolation and expert guides, specialized in working with heavy energy, work with them, serving them with their own medicine, and this does not happen in earthly plane because this addiction is too strong and hard to deal with while in a body suit). And what is wrong this picture, is the belief, obviously deeply rooted in me, from ancestors lines and collective un/consciousness, that a woman has no right to her own choice if it does not fit into social norms and it needs to be subordinate and subject to something, someone, or to those social norms. If she does not fit in, she is a hooker, a prostitute, a lesbian, frigid, a matrix girl, or at best, self-sufficient and strong willed. And that is, I suppose, in the energy that is finally leaving, woman’s greatest sin, to have her own strong will. And indeed, there is always someone who has to show that woman her place, father without love, in an addiction, brother without a brotherly love, a stepfather without feelings, possibly a psychopath too, a stepmother without emotion, a mother without love and jealous, another woman, younger, envious to her position, status, money (or whatever safety is in those eyes). Other elderly women, envious of youth, passion, beauty, the love of a man they want, time and choices before them (or whatever freedom of choice and love are in their eyes). Sisters without sisterhood and connection, colleagues envious to the abilities and gifts, longing for power. An environment without love and freedom of choice in general. And this can go on indefinitely. And what is it about us that creates this story again and again, and indefinitely? For a long time I thought it was a quest for love, at least that’s what it was for me (in earthly stories, those extraterrestrial ones were lighter, more comfortable and loving). In fact, I was healing that separation pattern in me, because me in higher dimensions knows well how to be both together, and separate when needed. To be One, together, yet knowing who you are, having an identity, and yet at the same time being away, separate, is what is challenging to me. I experienced power without love, love without power, loneliness with powerlesness, and power without the right freedom of choice (all illusions). To learn love with the strength of will and allowing seems to be my lesson. To let everyone be who they really are and what they want to be, even if it means cruelty... Because what we freely, willingly express materializes, and materializing, manifesting still is my Masters topic here (‘You will it, and it will be’, I was told once, was my NO1 power). By the way, Love IS the only power there is...

My inner female, Anima, was chained, and all of my incarnations, on this planet, I lived in chains... I lived from the archetype of the unhealed goddess, injured and dark, without true love, who is fighting it even when she has it because she is protecting herself from pain... And everything I've done in the past years was removing those chains. To be able to be myself and to return my divine feminine home. To be One, and Whole.

It is said that a man cannot spiritually attain certain levels without his divine spouse, his divine counterpart, all other women cannot take him there, not in the way this energy can, and some can even bring him down. A woman can, but still she has to be completely cured and open for receiving and giving, and therefore in good connection with her inner male, Animus, and with his pandan from higher levels, and, for some reasons it is easier for women to accept that their divine counterpart might not be incarnate. Because without this inner balance, woman is expressing herself from the unhealed archetypes. In ancient times warriors were cleaning up after their crusades by making love to their wifes (ideally, with their divine feminine). And indeed, healing of the male principle is going through female, a woman. But through a conscious woman. There is no therapy for the unhealed divinity, any will hardly cure it, only Love works there, but Divine love (and divine union). Because when Mom is not well, the whole family is not well. And that is, our whole world, actually! That's why I think (maybe wrongly) that it is much harder for conscious women, because they provoke cleaning process in their men, which is somehow dealth with when it comes from a mother, a sister, a teacher, but when it is a lover, or a spouse, it takes a bit of consciousness (avoiding to say here that it takes something else, actually J ) and it takes an awakened man. And conscious, awakened man is no longer unhealed god of War, a Thunderdrum, a Zeus, a Don Juan, a conqueror, or whatever sounds powerful, but a God of Love. This all requires a conscious heart, a Sacred Heart, and I guess divine Love expressed through partnership, a relationship, sacred union, or the True Love. And it's actually the only religion that this new world that we are making together needs—a religion of the Heart.

So then let's melt hearts together!